Haley's Hangdog Holiday Read online

  Though she had a few small flaws, Rachel was perfect in every other way, and Gavin knew no one could be without imperfection, including himself. She was tall and athletic, with blond hair that hung in perfectly straight tresses to the middle of her back. A marketing major, she was bright and outgoing, popular among her classmates. But more importantly, she was a strong believer. As the chaplain in her sorority, she led a weekly Bible study, and she could readily quote a scripture for almost every occasion.

  Sometimes Gavin worried that he didn’t feel the same spark with Rachel that he had with Haley, but mostly he tried to put Haley out of his mind. Still, some days he pictured her, as real as if she were sitting across from him at a nearby table. Her creamy complexion, sprinkled with smile-inducing freckles. Her delicate face and high cheekbones, always sporting a makeup free, ruddy blush. Her almond-shaped blue eyes, with tiny flecks of gold, so clear you could see into her soul. Her beautiful red hair, short and perky, framing her huge blue eyes like a waif.

  Wait—her hair is supposed to be long, not uber short.

  HALEY KNEW IT WAS GOING to happen eventually, but she hadn’t expected to run into Gavin the second day of the fall semester. He didn’t usually frequent coffee shops. But there he sat, two tables away, staring at her with no sign of compunction, his dark soul-searching gaze so intense she couldn’t look away.

  What is he thinking? Does he hate me now? Surely he must. But he’s here with a girl—one with gorgeous, long blond hair. Obviously, he’s moved on, and I’m happy for him... At least I’m trying to be happy for him. But why is he staring at me? I wish he would yell and scream at me or ignore me. Anything but this.

  His eyebrows lifted and his jaw dropped. His chair scraped the floor and he was on his feet. “Haley?”

  Of course... he didn’t recognize me... without my hair. Her stomach churned. Avoiding the public for so long, she still mourned her loss when her old friends noticed her formerly gorgeous hair was gone.

  He slipped into the chair in front of her, never shifting his gaze, as if he thought she might run away if he lost eye contact. “You’re back at school?”

  She nodded, not quite certain her voice wouldn’t crack if she spoke. Though her lips trembled, she made a hardy attempt at a smile.

  “You cut your hair?”

  “You’re the king of obvious questions today,” she quipped, and he grinned—but only for a moment.

  The smile disappeared, a scowl forging its way onto his face. “I want an explanation, Haley. I think you owe me that much.”

  Her pulse pounded in her ears. She’d hoped to avoid a confrontation. “I can’t give you one you’ll understand.”

  “Try me,” he said, his narrow eyes probing with a dark, unrelenting inquisition.

  “Gavin?” He flinched as the blond appeared behind him, leaning over his back and wrapping her arms possessively around his neck, her hair falling around his face. “Is this a friend from class?”

  “This is my...” He paused, clearly unsure what to call her.

  “I’m Haley, an old friend. We used to have some classes together.”

  She stuck out her hand, and the blond shook it, crushing her knuckles. Looking up in surprise, Haley noticed the girl’s narrowed eyes and returned the bone-crushing grip in turn. The blond gasped, pulling her hand away. She made a show of sliding her fingers inside his shirt collar to massage his shoulders. “Gavin, sweetie, we should probably be going.”

  His face turned red all the way to the tips of his ears. He stood up, pushing her hands away. “I’m glad you’re back at school, Haley. Best of luck to you.” His eyes roamed over her, as if checking to see what else had changed besides her hair. She put her hand over a spot where she’d splashed coffee on her right shirtsleeve.

  “What’s that?” He growled, pointing at the stain.

  She cringed in confusion. “I... I spilled my coffee...”

  “What’s on your finger? Is that an engagement ring?” His expression was livid.

  Haley’s heart leapt into her throat. Her grandmother’s ring! She’d forgotten she had it on. She eventually planned to have it resized to fit her right hand, but she’d been wearing it on her left for now.

  “I... It’s not what you think, Gavin—”

  “You know what? It doesn’t matter what I think, does it? Forget I asked! In fact, just forget I ever existed! Oh... that’s right... you’ve already done that!”

  “Gavin—”

  “I’m outta here!”

  Pivoting on one foot, he stomped outside, the clingy blond scurrying after him. The door closed behind her, seeming to quiver in Haley’s tear-filled eyes.

  How can it hurt so much to lose something I already lost?

  Chapter Thirteen

  December—four months later

  Gavin felt like a boulder had been lifted off his shoulders. He’d taken his last final. Graduation was coming up this weekend. Everything was finally falling into place. The only part of his life that felt slightly off kilter was his relationship with Rachel. In spite of her commitment to God, her views on sex before marriage were diametrically opposed to his. It seemed ironic that she was the one pressuring him to be more physical.

  “Sex outside marriage isn’t a sin if you’re in a committed relationship,” she argued. “As long as you’re married in God’s eyes, it’s perfectly fine. In Jesus’ time, betrothal was a legally binding contract, just like marriage—that’s why Joseph would have had to divorce Mary if he’d decided not to marry her. We’re engaged now, so there’s really nothing wrong with it.”

  Though he argued vehemently against her views, he’d still let himself get “carried away” a few times, going past the prayerful boundaries he’d set for himself, even if her boundaries were far different. He tried to tell himself it didn’t matter, since they would be married in a few months anyway, but his guilt and shame was affecting his relationship with God, and with Rachel as well. In fact, they’d had another fight over the matter last night, both of them saying things they shouldn’t have.

  He’d already loaded up his SUV and a rented trailer with all his earthly possessions, intending to drive back to Colorado immediately after his final, with plans to fly back with his family for graduation. But he hated to leave without making up with Rachel and was convinced an apology would be more effective in person than over the phone.

  So he bought her a huge basket and filled it with an assortment of items he knew she would love, including a wedding magazine, a CD of one of her favorite Christian worship bands, a huge bouquet of pink roses and baby’s breath, and a box of dark chocolate-covered almonds. Then he found the perfect card to go with it—a photograph of a sad-eyed Basset Hound with a sign around his neck that read, “I’m sorry.”

  With limited parking available, he finally found a stretch of curb long enough to stop his vehicle with the U-Haul attached and lugged the basket down the block and up the stairs to her apartment, almost tripping multiple times as his view was blocked by the flower arrangement. With his hands full, he used his foot to knock on the door. When a few minutes passed without an answer, it occurred to him his plan to surprise her might have backfired, since it was past noon and she often went out for meals, not being too proficient at cooking. He kicked at the door again, trying to decide how long he could afford to wait before setting out on the long drive to Denver.

  Then he heard Rachel’s squeal from inside, “Oooo! Someone sent me a gift basket. I bet it’s from my sorority sisters.”

  As the lock clicked open, he smiled, keeping his face hidden behind the flowers, anticipating her pleasure when she discovered who was holding the basket and all the treasures it held.

  “Look!” she exclaimed. “Roses! And chocolates!”

  Before Gavin had a chance to peek around the flowers, he heard a male voice beside her. “I hope there’s some pizza in there. I’m starving.”

  “It’s your own fault, Shane. You should have ordered pizza when you got here.”
r />   “You distracted me when you came out wearing nothing but a towel.”

  Rachel giggled. “I didn’t hear you complaining at the time.”

  “Here, I’ll carry this inside,” Shane said.

  Gavin felt the weight of the basket lift from his fingers.

  “Thanks. Do I owe you anything...” Rachel trailed off as the basket moved, leaving Gavin standing empty-handed. Clad in shorts and a sheer tank top that left little to the imagination, Rachel cried out, her hands flying over her mouth and her eyes opening wide. “Gavin! What are you doing here? I thought you left for Colorado.”

  The sensation in his gut was similar to when he’d had the air knocked out of him. Shane stopped in the doorway, bare-chested, wearing boxers, still holding the basket. His eyes met Gavin’s, and he let out a string of curses.

  For a moment Gavin couldn’t move, but when his limbs unfroze, he turned his back to Rachel and walked away without speaking. His footfalls were soft and even, and he wondered why there was no fury in his stride—no angry stomping, no urge to scream and yell.

  “Gavin! Gavin, wait!” Bare feet padded on the landing and she latched herself to his arm. “Please don’t go. I can explain. It just happened, you know. It was nothing. It didn’t mean anything, I promise.”

  He used his other hand to pry her loose, as if his coat had gotten hung up on a nail, and continued on his way.

  “Please, Gavin. We have to talk about this.” She beat her hands on his back. “We’re engaged! You can’t walk away at the first sign of trouble.”

  Descending the stairs, every sense felt numb and lethargic, like he’d been given a heavy sedative. At last she stopped following him, though she was sobbing in earnest.

  “Gavin, I love you! And I know you love me, too. You didn’t lie, did you? Don’t you love me?”

  He would’ve answered her question, but he didn’t know the answer. So he continued to walk away until he couldn’t hear her voice. Unseeing, he somehow found his vehicle and climbed inside, folding his arms over the steering wheel and burying his face in them.

  He wept... for all he had lost.

  “IT’S NOT THE SAME WITHOUT Gammy, is it?” Sitting on the porch, staring at the snowy mountains, Haley sipped her hot chocolate, warmed by the heavy wool blanket tucked around her body and the fifty-five pound canine heater curled up on her feet.

  “Nope,” Tad answered from his spot beside her on the glider. “I can’t believe it’s already been a year since she died.”

  “And I can’t believe she left the house to you and me,” said Haley. “Although, I guess it’s just the same, since we all come here for the holidays together.”

  “True, but I might consider living here some day. We could both live here for a while. We get along really well.”

  “I don’t know if I could handle living with Bojangles.”

  “You like him well enough when he’s keeping your feet warm.”

  “That’s true,” Haley admitted. She glanced over his shoulder toward the family room where her mother sat in front of the fire. “I don’t think Mom’s doing very well.”

  “Because it’s been a year since Gammy died?”

  She shook her head. “Because Dad’s gone on business all the time and she doesn’t have me to take care of any more.”

  “She has no one to control,” said Tad with a wry grin.

  “Yeah, and I think she’s lonely.”

  “Doesn’t she have a lot of friends in that ladies’ club?”

  “They aren’t real friends. You know what I mean? Real friends love you unconditionally. They’re kind of rare.”

  “Who are your real friends?”

  His serious response surprised her, as she halfway expected some teasing crack.

  “Chloe—she’s on my praise team at church. She and Mark, our praise team leader, are the only people outside the family that know about the cancer. Chloe and Mark... and you. That’s it, I guess.”

  “Hmmm...”

  “Chloe really helped me get a different perspective on my cancer. It turns out she lost both of her parents in a car wreck three years ago.”

  “That sucks.”

  “Right. And she was like me—angry with God—and pretty certain it was somehow her fault.”

  “Now you don’t feel that way?”

  “I’m not totally healed, but I’m a lot better. She told me to read the story about Mary and Martha, when Lazarus died and Jesus could’ve stopped it from happening if He’d come faster.”

  “And that made you feel better?”

  “No, you see, Jesus wanted Mary and Martha to learn to trust Him. So He waited a few days before He came. When He got there and they told Him Lazarus was dead, He cried.”

  “Okay... so what?”

  “Don’t you see? He already knew Lazarus was dead before He got there, and He already knew He was going to bring Lazarus back to life just a few minutes later. So why did He cry?”

  “I don’t know. Why?” Tad looked like he was considering calling the people in white coats to come fetch her.

  “Because He cares. He’s not some harsh celestial being who enjoys punishing people. He loves us. He loves me. And He doesn’t make bad things happen to teach people lessons. Bad things happen to everyone, just like good things—whether you’re good or evil. The thing about following Christ is you can learn to have joy no matter what happens. Since you can’t prevent bad things from happening, the next best thing is to have someone with you in the middle of your worst moments. Someone who loves and cares about you.”

  “So when bad things happen, your real friends are there for you?”

  “Ninety percent of the time, your real friends will be there for you. But there’s only one person who will be there every single time, and that’s Jesus.”

  “Oh.”

  Tad was quiet for so long she thought he might have dosed off.

  “Haley... you kind of sound different from the last time we talked. A year ago you told me you weren’t even sure you wanted to believe in God. You aren’t angry anymore?”

  “I was in a dark place, I guess. But the truth is, things aren’t any better now than they were a year ago... not on the outside. My career goals are all shot. I lost my love. I lost my chance to have children. I have a cancer that could come back at any time and take my life. I still have a mother who isn’t happy unless she’s micromanaging my entire life. But one thing is different... When I first moved to Austin and started leading worship in praise team at church, I was singing about other people’s faith. Now, when I stand on that stage, I’m singing about mine.”

  Tad turned his face away, but Haley saw him swipe at his eyes. She slurped her cocoa noisily, to provide him some cover.

  “Enough about me,” she said. “What about you, Tad. Who’re your real friends?”

  “I don’t know.” He blinked rapidly, giving his face one last dab on his shirt sleeve. “My roommates are great, but I don’t think I can count on them in a pinch. It’s not their fault, you know. They’ve all got problems of their own. Calvin has money troubles... Steve’s parents are getting a divorce... Nate’s barely passing his classes.”

  “You know you can count on me, right?” Haley asked. “I guess I really let you down last year when the cancer stuff started. I was pretty self-centered.”

  “I think you have to do what it takes to survive, Haley. I didn’t think you were self-centered at all. And I called you last February when I needed to talk to somebody about Lucy, remember? You were totally there for me.”

  She smiled, taking another sip of cocoa. “I’m glad I could help you. Lucy was a real piece of work.”

  “Ha! That’s the truth.” He chewed on his lip. “Haley, I don’t know if I should tell you this or not...”

  “What? You have to tell me now.”

  “You have to promise not to get mad at me.”

  “What did you do?”

  He made a cringing face, like she might hit him. “I’ve been talkin
g to Gavin Holiday.”

  The air left her lungs. “Tad! You promised me...”

  “Not about you, Haley. We never said a single word about you. I promise... I wouldn’t betray you like that.”

  “Then what did you talk about?” she asked, her heart still racing unchecked.

  “You know... different stuff... about God and heaven and faith. Ever since a year ago at Gammy’s funeral.”

  “And that’s all you talk about?” She couldn’t help being a tiny bit curious. “You don’t talk about your lives or your families?”

  “He told me about Rachel and getting engaged and stuff. But you know about all that, right? You told me you met his girlfriend.”

  “Right, I know about her.” With great difficulty, she kept a smile on her face. She hadn’t realized Gavin was engaged, though she wasn’t surprised. “Are you invited to the wedding?”

  “You didn’t know, did you?” His brows furrowed. “I’m sorry, Haley. I know you’re still in love with him.”

  “I am not!” she declared. “I broke up with him a year and four months ago!”

  “And how many days and hours?” he asked with a wink.

  “One year, four months, eight days and five hours. But who’s counting?” She giggled. “I made that up. I don’t really know how many days and hours.”

  “But you are still in love with him, aren’t you? Tell me the truth. I’ve never told Gavin you still have feelings for him, so you don’t have to worry.”

  She let out a long groan that made Bo lift his head. “I think I’ll always love him, but that’s not the same as being committed to him. I care about him and I want what’s best for him. Rachel will be a good match for him, and they’ll have beautiful children together.”

  “Ughh, Haley. You’re kind of sickly nice now. I don’t think I can stand being around you anymore.” Tad poked her in the ribs. “That’s all you have to say about the girl who’s marrying the guy you love? Surely she has a flaw you could mention? Maybe a conspicuous wart or a disgusting habit?”